Holy Innocents

Life disappoints, it destroys.

Old age teaches us this.

Holy innocents no longer are we.

We have been battered and beaten by false expectations and promises.

Life disappoints, it destroys.

But like a flower, I remain.

Hopeful, eager, waiting for the time

When you shall arrive back into my embrace.

Look at my face.

Etched in time are the lines of my worry, my strife, and my disappointment.

Some of my own making, some naught.

But like a flower, I remain.

Hopeful, eager, waiting for the time.

When you shall arrive back into my embrace.

Look at my face.

Deeply.

You see my hurt, my regret, my disappointment.

Holy innocents no longer are we.

Will you hold me in your embrace now and take it all away?

I beg of you.

Holy Innocents

Life disappoints, it destroys.

Old age teaches us this.

Holy innocents no longer are we.

We have been battered and beaten by false expectations and promises.

Life disappoints, it destroys.

But like a flower, I remain.

Hopeful, eager, waiting for the time

When you shall arrive back into my embrace.

Look at my face.

Etched in time are the lines of my worry, my strife, and my disappointment.

Some of my own making, some naught.

But like a flower, I remain.

Hopeful, eager, waiting for the time.

When you shall arrive back into my embrace.

Look at my face.

Deeply.

You see my hurt, my regret, my disappointment.

Holy innocents no longer are we.

Will you hold me in your embrace now and take it all away?

I beg of you.

Chapter Six: My First Friday in Australia

As the week came to a close, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of excitement. The weekend was almost here, and I was ready to explore more of this beautiful country. But before I could fully embrace the weekend, I had a busy and eventful Friday to get through.

I started my day off with an interesting night of work. I received a positive referral unexpectedly, and it put me in a great mood for the rest of the day.

After work, I met up with my colleagues Rex, Paul, Cheryl, and Brian at Driftwood Café for lunch. The café had a rustic and cozy feel, and the food was delicious. We sat inside the restaurant and enjoyed the conversations while we chatted and caught up on the latest news.

After lunch, I sat outside and read my book, taking in the warm sun and the peaceful atmosphere. I felt like I was in a different world, far away from the hustle and bustle of my daily life back home.

Later in the day, I had a facial appointment. I met with Larissa, who did my facial, and we chatted about her heart issues at the young age of 48. I felt a connection with her, and it made me feel comfortable and content.

As evening approached, I went to dinner, another night of salmon, which I have come to love. After dinner, I was looking forward to heading into my first weekend in Australia. I couldn’t wait to see what adventures and experiences it would bring.

As I lay in bed that night, I felt a sense of contentment. I was in a new country, surrounded by new people, and experiencing new things. I knew this was just the beginning of my journey in Australia, and I couldn’t wait to see what the future held.

Chapter 5: A Difficult Day – January 19, 2023

I woke up feeling heavy-hearted. I had just spoken with Sister Stephanie on the phone, and she could tell I was down. I couldn’t shake the disappointment and sadness that had settled in my chest since Laurel, my coworker, had resigned from her position at the company.

I tried to shake off the feeling by meeting up with Adele and Warwick for coffee, but it wasn’t the same without Cheryl, our fourth member of the group. We caught up on work and life, but the conversation was forced and subdued. I couldn’t shake the feeling of something being missing.

As the day went on, things only got worse. I had a mammogram and ultrasound scheduled, and the results were not good. I was told I would need to have a lump biopsied, not the news I was hoping for. I felt overwhelmed and scared, but I tried to keep my emotions in check.

After my appointment, I decided to go for a 45-minute jog to clear my head. The fresh air and physical exertion helped to clear my mind and calm my nerves. When I returned home, I visited with Annette, Helen, and Tony and caught up with them. I shared my news with them, and they offered their support and understanding.

It was a difficult day, but I was grateful for the love and support of my friends and family. I knew I would get through this and come out stronger on the other side.

Chapter 4: Settling into “Normal” Life in Mollymook – January 18, 2023

After my time in America, I found myself back in Australia once again. The day I arrived in Sydney was glorious, the sun was shining, and the sky was blue. I couldn’t wait to begin my new chapter in the small coastal town of Mollymook. I was excited to start a new routine and to see familiar faces.

The first few days were filled with excitement and energy, but as I settled into my new life in Mollymook, I quickly realized that it would not be as easy as I had hoped. Each day began with waking up early, visiting friends, having coffee and breakfast, and then lunch and dinner. My afternoons were filled with runs along the beach, taking in the fresh sea air and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Later on, I would then take a nap, all the while being grateful for the warmth of the sun.

However, as I settled into this routine, I began to realize that I couldn’t handle all the work that needed to be done. I was responsible for managing a small business and one particularly large contract, “The Bishops,” requires a lot of time and effort. I couldn’t help but wonder if things would be different if I had stayed home. But I didn’t want to compromise the “Bishops” by taking on too much.

One of the most difficult moments today came when my colleague resigned. I took it quite personally and was devastated by the news. To make matters worse, I was also missing my pets, Otis and Caesar, who I had left behind with a trusted friend, and Cesear took flight several months back. The hurts and pains seemed to be at every turn, but I reminded myself that this is just a part of life.

Despite the challenges, I found solace in the warmth of the sun, my morning runs, and the community I had built in Mollymook. Life in Mollymook had its ups and downs, but ultimately, it was where I found my balance and peace.

I stand before You

I strip bare,

And, there lies

the scars, the bruises, the dents.

Of humanity.

But, yet, You ask that I strip.

You ask that I disrobe.

You ask that I stand before you in my nakedness.

I have nothing more to hide.

You want me naked.

You want me to love You.

Only You.

I throw off the robes that have bound me

the cloth that has rubbed me raw

the garments that have hidden my scars

to stand before you naked.

Because you asked.

You want me to love you.

Only You.

You have opened my heart and have made me love more.

In my nakedness, I transcend the rules and laws

I enter your mystery.

I am transformed by Your love.

We dance.

In compassion and love.

In my nakedness, I find You.

The one. The holy.

A new Axial Age

The beads in my hand are the Rosary.

The music in my ear is a chant.

The forest under my feet is my temple.

Hark, I say, the day has arrived.

When boundaries have been tossed aside.

When chains of ideology are unlocked.

When political infrastructure crumbles.

Hark, the day has arrived.

When I join with my brother, my sister.

In a synagogue without an ark, a church without a steeple, a stupa without a relic.

No matter where they are.

The music in my ear is a prayer.

The beads in my hand are a meditation.

The forest is my altar.

Hark, the day has arrived.

A new axial age.

Globalization.

Pandemic.

A new axial age.

The music in my ear is a chant.

The beads in my hand are the Rosary.

The forest under my feet is my temple.

The age has arrived.

Pain sears my heart

Pain sears my heart.

It sears my soul.

It takes my breath away.

 

I struggle to see through the tears.

I struggle to breathe my own breath.

I struggle to live each minute.

 

Pain sears my heart.

 

I just want it to end.

I just want it to stop.

I just want it to go away.

 

But, it doesn’t.

It stabs me like a spear pierces its prey.

It chases me all day and well into the night.

It haunts my awakenings and its stalks

me in the darkness.

 

It makes me want to run away.

It makes me want to hide.

It makes me want to give up.

It makes me want to give in.

 

Just to stop the pain.

Just to end the suffering.

Just to stop the silent deaths that I feel deep inside.

 

The silent deaths that I have felt over and over so many times in the past.

 

Pain sears my heart.

 

The pain of another time comes bursting forth

The pain of another place comes calling and beckoning.

 

Reminding me of just how painful it all can be.

 

The pain of another love, a first love, reminds me of

just how painful

it

can

be.

 

I don’t want it all to feel

that

way

ever

again.

 

And, I will do anything to make it stop…

 

Even take away what it wants most.

Even end what it needs…

Just to stop the silent tears from falling

ever so slowly deep within my heart.

 

Pain sears my heart.

It sears my soul.

It takes my very breath away.

 

I struggle to breathe my own breath.

 

I sink or swim

I sink or I swim.

It is my choice.

 

I can jump in

but yet the question remains

should I?

 

I feel the water suffocating

me

all around

should I sink or swim?

 

I am caught between

the

moment of indecision

of what appears

to be

right or wrong

but yet

do I really

know the

truth.

 

What is right?

Joy or rightness?

Bliss or correctness?

Happiness or moralness?

 

I feel the water

so warm and inviting

but yet

my hands are cold

and numb.

 

I shiver.

 

Deep inside I know

the answer

to what cuts so deep.

 

Yet, I can’t decide.

 

The moment calls

and yet

I am unsure

of whether or not

to jump

into

the unknown depths

or stay

on this safe

shore.

 

While I live on this dividing

line

between

truth and

the fiction

that I tell myself,

I

yearn

and

break

deep inside.

 

I weep.

 

I sink or swim.

It is my choice.

 

Soon, I will be here in the Lakes Region of England.  Will I sink or swim?

 

 

 

Desire

Desire.

You bite and scream at me.

You tantalize me

in these later years.

 

I want what I don’t have

but yet don’t take what I want.

How that was so not the case

when young and

foolish?

 

Then,

you were a prey

to be caught and to become

all mine.

Like a hawk

circling high over head.

I saw you

and had

to have you.

 

You didn’t stand a chance.

 

Now, things are wrong and right.

That dividing line

stops me there.

Dead in my tracks.

Or perhaps it is my own belief

that I am not worthy to

be the idol

of anyone’s

longing.

 

Desire you are a trick

and an

absolute

fool.

 

You take me down paths

that are not mine to trod.

You lead me to believe

that there are possibilities

when none truly exist.

 

When none materialized.

Just figments of an old imagination.

Left to rot.

Doors that open to nowhere.

 

Desire.

I hate you and I love you.

Just as if you were the

thing

I coveted.

 

Desire.

Stop your push and

your pull.

Let me alone

in my own

misery of

forever

longing.

 

Stop your trickery.

It is all over.

 

 

A woman driven by a desire that fueled her soul….from long ago.  Who is she?

A woman fueled on desire… a long time ago