I sink or swim

I sink or I swim.

It is my choice.

 

I can jump in

but yet the question remains

should I?

 

I feel the water suffocating

me

all around

should I sink or swim?

 

I am caught between

the

moment of indecision

of what appears

to be

right or wrong

but yet

do I really

know the

truth.

 

What is right?

Joy or rightness?

Bliss or correctness?

Happiness or moralness?

 

I feel the water

so warm and inviting

but yet

my hands are cold

and numb.

 

I shiver.

 

Deep inside I know

the answer

to what cuts so deep.

 

Yet, I can’t decide.

 

The moment calls

and yet

I am unsure

of whether or not

to jump

into

the unknown depths

or stay

on this safe

shore.

 

While I live on this dividing

line

between

truth and

the fiction

that I tell myself,

I

yearn

and

break

deep inside.

 

I weep.

 

I sink or swim.

It is my choice.

 

9-derwent-water-lake-district-england

Soon, I will be here in the Lakes Region of England.  Will I sink or swim?

 

 

 

What do I want

What do I want you ask?

 

I want to be adored both for my

inner

beauty

and

my

brilliance.

 

I want to be held

during the deep

night

and

never let go

as if

I were a liferaft

drifting on

the open sea.

 

I want to be

looked at

like

I was being

looked at

for the very first time

when I first

caught your eye.

 

I want to be

kissed

like that first night

when you

kissed me

all by

surprise

and I

acquiesced

with a silent

return.

 

I want

someone to

whisper so

softly

how extraordinary I am

to them

and them

alone

night and day

day and night

morning

and

evening.

 

I want to

once more

make love

with abandon

as if it were

like it was

once before

but never

again.

 

I want to

feel like a woman

again,

just

one

more time,

feel

like a

woman.

 

I want to

be released from

the burdens

the pains

the heartache

of this

life.

 

I want once more

to just live again

to be loved again

to be a woman again.

 

You asked me what I want.

What I always had…..until I didn’t have it.
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A self that you see.

I have but more than one self.

I have a self that you see

when you look

at me

in the early morning light

before the world awakes.

 

I have a self that you see

that is tired and

worn from the daily

tragedies that

we call life.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am alone

in my

solitude

with no

one but me

to judge and allow.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am charged

with excitement

and electricity

from

just

being

in your presence.

 

I have a self that you see

when I reach

over and

touch

your hand

and hold
it

softly

within mine.

 

I have a self that is not singular.

It is plural.

 

There are many selves that

live within me

that breathe inside of me

that wait to be born.

 

I have a self that is plural.

Before I die

Before I die, I

want to live

finally

like I lived before

it all.

 

Before I die,

I want to forget about

all the hurt

and sorrow and sadness

and every ounce

of pain

that robbed my soul.

 

Before I die,

I want to be released

from the prison

in which I have

kept myself lonely

and captive in.

 

Before I die,

I want to love

like I loved

just that once

for all eternity

until I cannot love

anymore.

 

Before I die,

I want to remember

all that was

good in the midst

of all that was

so very, very

bad

and all that was

bad

in the midst

of all that was

so very, very good.

 

Before I die,

I want to live

once more

like I lived

before I died.

What I have learned through loneliness

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to cry when the tears beg to fall

to sit in the silence despite wanting more

to resist the urge to call when I long to hear your voice

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to pretend like I am happy when I am really not

to trudge through existence despite wanting to collapse

to  want to reach out but can’t

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to love despite it all even though I hate

to keep going through the darkness even though I can’t see

to scream when no one is there to hear in the deep silence

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

 

I must live when I feel like giving in

I must go on when I can’t take another step

I must endure when I can’t endure any more

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …
life is very lonely

when you are misunderstood

life is very lonely

life is very very lonely

 

Until you arrived.

 

In the silence

In the silence,

I hear your breath

slowly inhaling

slowly exhaling.

 

In the silence,

I wonder

where you have been

all this time.

 

In the silence,

a soft prayer falls off my lips

hanging in the deadness

of the night

like a heavy

weight.

 

In the silence,

I feel so alone,

wrapped in a cocoon

of both fiction and fact,

none of it real,

all just illusion.

 

In the silence,

I wonder how I will ever exist

beyond what I have only known.

 

In the silence,

I weep

over love lost

and shamed

secrets

that haunt me still.

 

In the silence,

I hunger to do good

to everyone and everything

in atonement for the

hurt

and the

pain

that I caused

when I didn’t know.

 

In the silence,

I remember that time,

full of guilt and remorse

when I tried,

entering near death

but yet still alive.

 

In the silence,

I cast away

my hope

where it lands on

an empty rocky shore

washed into a crevice.

never to see the light.

 

In the silence,

I pray

for the ending

of all the endless tears wept

so easily

deep within my soul.

 

In the silence,

I know that

I don’t exist.

I survive.

I endure.

 

In the silence,

I hear your breath

slowly inhaling

slowly exhaling.

 

In the silence,

I am prisoner

in a life I didn’t want

wearing chains that

were not mine

in a cell that binds me still.

 

 

I wonder…

I wonder.

I wonder what would happen

if I shed the layers of

things

that hold me down.

 

I wonder.

I wonder what would happen

if I shed the limited

thinking

that keeps me imprisoned

in self-shame and

disbelief.

 

I wonder.

I wonder what would happen

if I looked at wonder

at the clouds in the sky

loving all that is creation.

 

I wonder.

I wonder what would happen

if I looked at wonder

at the words that I penned

and the

questions that I ask.

 

I wonder.

I wonder what would happen

if I focused less on

illusions

and more on

Divine nature.

 

I wonder.

Do you wonder too?