Pain sears my heart

Pain sears my heart.

It sears my soul.

It takes my breath away.

 

I struggle to see through the tears.

I struggle to breathe my own breath.

I struggle to live each minute.

 

Pain sears my heart.

 

I just want it to end.

I just want it to stop.

I just want it to go away.

 

But, it doesn’t.

It stabs me like a spear pierces its prey.

It chases me all day and well into the night.

It haunts my awakenings and its stalks

me in the darkness.

 

It makes me want to run away.

It makes me want to hide.

It makes me want to give up.

It makes me want to give in.

 

Just to stop the pain.

Just to end the suffering.

Just to stop the silent deaths that I feel deep inside.

 

The silent deaths that I have felt over and over so many times in the past.

 

Pain sears my heart.

 

The pain of another time comes bursting forth

The pain of another place comes calling and beckoning.

 

Reminding me of just how painful it all can be.

 

The pain of another love, a first love, reminds me of

just how painful

it

can

be.

 

I don’t want it all to feel

that

way

ever

again.

 

And, I will do anything to make it stop…

 

Even take away what it wants most.

Even end what it needs…

Just to stop the silent tears from falling

ever so slowly deep within my heart.

 

Pain sears my heart.

It sears my soul.

It takes my very breath away.

 

I struggle to breathe my own breath.

 

I sink or swim

I sink or I swim.

It is my choice.

 

I can jump in

but yet the question remains

should I?

 

I feel the water suffocating

me

all around

should I sink or swim?

 

I am caught between

the

moment of indecision

of what appears

to be

right or wrong

but yet

do I really

know the

truth.

 

What is right?

Joy or rightness?

Bliss or correctness?

Happiness or moralness?

 

I feel the water

so warm and inviting

but yet

my hands are cold

and numb.

 

I shiver.

 

Deep inside I know

the answer

to what cuts so deep.

 

Yet, I can’t decide.

 

The moment calls

and yet

I am unsure

of whether or not

to jump

into

the unknown depths

or stay

on this safe

shore.

 

While I live on this dividing

line

between

truth and

the fiction

that I tell myself,

I

yearn

and

break

deep inside.

 

I weep.

 

I sink or swim.

It is my choice.

 

9-derwent-water-lake-district-england

Soon, I will be here in the Lakes Region of England.  Will I sink or swim?

 

 

 

When I think about Chicago…

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

Wandering slowly

along the streets

memories following me

around

each

corner

in every

crevice.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

I can’t escape.

It has been so long

since I have seen you

but yet

here it feels like

a yesterday

that I can’t have

anymore.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

Loneliness overwhelms

me

even as I

walk in

a throng

of people

full of chatter

and

laughter

leaving me

silently replaying

a life

long ago

as if it were

a

silent movie

on a big screen.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

How enamored you

were

with

such a

vibrant,

full of life,

attractive

young women

adoringly

loving

you.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

Only you.

 

I wonder if today

you would

still love me

like you did then?

Would you still

find me

vivacious

and full of life

now when none of that is left?

 

When I think about Chicago

I think of you.

I wonder if our love

would have been

so perfectly imperfect

now when nothing seems right anymore?

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

I wonder if you would

still look at me

the way you did then?

Would you still want to hold me

like you did before?

Would you still reach for my hand

and

and never let it go

now when my youngness is gone

and my beauty

has faded?

 

When I think of Chicago…

I think of you.

Of our past.

And, of

our future

that never came.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My deepest longing

What I really long for…

is to be touched as I was once touched

with adoration

and desire

and

passion

like a slow burning

ember in a fire

left to die.

 

What I really long for is…

to be celebrated

and honored

and

cherished

by a knowing glance

and piercing eyes

all the days of my life.

 

What I really long for is

a time

when I felt

free

to explore

to just be

living life with pure abandon

releasing myself

from the frantic pace

of a life

lived without purpose

with a drive to accumulate

and amass

what cannot

be kept.

 

What I really long for is…

to feel the pain

that sears my heart

like a knife cuts

through a

luscious piece

of fruit

to its deepest core

dividing it

in half

releasing its precious

juices.

 

What I really long for is

to travel to the heart

of it it all

to immerse myself

in a land

where

intersections cross

divides

and divides

create

intersections

and where

I am a bystander

roaming

amongst

the carnage.

 

What I really long for is…

to heal the wounds

in a world

where hatred runs

rampant

and

goodness

is hidden

beneath an exterior of greed

and ideology

and

ego.

 

What I really long for is…

to find the purpose

hidden behind

a false

exterior

living deep

within the interior

enrapturing a shuttered heart

encapsulating

a longing soul

calling

desperately

to be recognized.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A self that you see.

I have but more than one self.

I have a self that you see

when you look

at me

in the early morning light

before the world awakes.

 

I have a self that you see

that is tired and

worn from the daily

tragedies that

we call life.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am alone

in my

solitude

with no

one but me

to judge and allow.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am charged

with excitement

and electricity

from

just

being

in your presence.

 

I have a self that you see

when I reach

over and

touch

your hand

and hold
it

softly

within mine.

 

I have a self that is not singular.

It is plural.

 

There are many selves that

live within me

that breathe inside of me

that wait to be born.

 

I have a self that is plural.

It is my deepest hope

It is my deepest hope…

that someday, peace will reign

and violence will

no longer exist

in a world

divide by theology and

ideology.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that an earth full of calamity

will revolve

around a loving

sun

and a

caring moon.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that all those in pain

will see the light

of the bright sunshine

on a

long summer

day

rather than

the darkness

of a pale

cold

moon

on a bitter

winters night.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that once there

was fear

there is now courage

for all those

who cannot find the

words

and the

voice

to speak their

truth.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that one day too

I will find my own

in the dark forest

of which

I have inhabited

in the recesses

of a captive

mind

on a vast planet

in an infinite

cosmos

breathing

one breath

at a time.

 

No more.

No more

do I worry about what you think.

I know that what I think is

more powerful

than what

you say.

 

No more

do I let you use words against me.

For I know that

those words

are meaningless

from the mouth

from which them come

 

No more

do I believe what you say about me.

For what you say about me

is just

your projection

of you

onto me.

 

No more

do I let you touch me.

For when you touched me

it

was full of fury and venom

and

represented

years of

hate

far beyond my lifetime.

 

No more.

No more.

No more.

 

The illusion

of my own

wrongdoing

was cast upon me

like a net

that I take

no more.

 

Inspired by this song…