Pain sears my heart

Pain sears my heart.

It sears my soul.

It takes my breath away.

 

I struggle to see through the tears.

I struggle to breathe my own breath.

I struggle to live each minute.

 

Pain sears my heart.

 

I just want it to end.

I just want it to stop.

I just want it to go away.

 

But, it doesn’t.

It stabs me like a spear pierces its prey.

It chases me all day and well into the night.

It haunts my awakenings and its stalks

me in the darkness.

 

It makes me want to run away.

It makes me want to hide.

It makes me want to give up.

It makes me want to give in.

 

Just to stop the pain.

Just to end the suffering.

Just to stop the silent deaths that I feel deep inside.

 

The silent deaths that I have felt over and over so many times in the past.

 

Pain sears my heart.

 

The pain of another time comes bursting forth

The pain of another place comes calling and beckoning.

 

Reminding me of just how painful it all can be.

 

The pain of another love, a first love, reminds me of

just how painful

it

can

be.

 

I don’t want it all to feel

that

way

ever

again.

 

And, I will do anything to make it stop…

 

Even take away what it wants most.

Even end what it needs…

Just to stop the silent tears from falling

ever so slowly deep within my heart.

 

Pain sears my heart.

It sears my soul.

It takes my very breath away.

 

I struggle to breathe my own breath.

 

I sink or swim

I sink or I swim.

It is my choice.

 

I can jump in

but yet the question remains

should I?

 

I feel the water suffocating

me

all around

should I sink or swim?

 

I am caught between

the

moment of indecision

of what appears

to be

right or wrong

but yet

do I really

know the

truth.

 

What is right?

Joy or rightness?

Bliss or correctness?

Happiness or moralness?

 

I feel the water

so warm and inviting

but yet

my hands are cold

and numb.

 

I shiver.

 

Deep inside I know

the answer

to what cuts so deep.

 

Yet, I can’t decide.

 

The moment calls

and yet

I am unsure

of whether or not

to jump

into

the unknown depths

or stay

on this safe

shore.

 

While I live on this dividing

line

between

truth and

the fiction

that I tell myself,

I

yearn

and

break

deep inside.

 

I weep.

 

I sink or swim.

It is my choice.

 

9-derwent-water-lake-district-england

Soon, I will be here in the Lakes Region of England.  Will I sink or swim?

 

 

 

Desire

Desire.

You bite and scream at me.

You tantalize me

in these later years.

 

I want what I don’t have

but yet don’t take what I want.

How that was so not the case

when young and

foolish?

 

Then,

you were a prey

to be caught and to become

all mine.

Like a hawk

circling high over head.

I saw you

and had

to have you.

 

You didn’t stand a chance.

 

Now, things are wrong and right.

That dividing line

stops me there.

Dead in my tracks.

Or perhaps it is my own belief

that I am not worthy to

be the idol

of anyone’s

longing.

 

Desire you are a trick

and an

absolute

fool.

 

You take me down paths

that are not mine to trod.

You lead me to believe

that there are possibilities

when none truly exist.

 

When none materialized.

Just figments of an old imagination.

Left to rot.

Doors that open to nowhere.

 

Desire.

I hate you and I love you.

Just as if you were the

thing

I coveted.

 

Desire.

Stop your push and

your pull.

Let me alone

in my own

misery of

forever

longing.

 

Stop your trickery.

It is all over.

 

 

A woman driven by a desire that fueled her soul….from long ago.  Who is she?

 

I come to you

I come to you…

with open

hands full

of gifts for you,

gifts from a

wounded soul.

 

I come to you…

from a time past

feeling

an ancient circle

close

amongst us

as we draw

nearer

together

like two

dancers

barely touching.

 

I come to you…

with wounded gifts

full of healing

full of hope

full of love

from a

soul

full of compassion

and

longing.

 

I come to you…

shining my light

illuminating those darkest of

dark

places

that have never seen the light

like unearthing a

golden goblet

at an archeological

dig from

long past.

 

I come to you…

taking your hand in mind

and watch

you open up like

the blossoms of flowers in

the bright sunshine

giving yourself

to my light,

so

desperately

giving yourself

to my light.

 

I come to you…

I touch your wound

and

bring you deeper

into my enfold

holding you

close to my heart

softly

slowly

healing your hurts.

 

I come to you…

with no answers for what is felt

deep

inside,

no reason

to explain

for it is

kept

deep

deep

down in our

sacred

places.

 

I come to you…

not knowing who we are

only listening to the

depths

within

as I

tenderly

bear the gifts

of

a

wounded soul

offering

healing

hope

love.

 

And, you take them.

Whispering

an

unspoken

prayer.

 

 

When I think about Chicago…

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

Wandering slowly

along the streets

memories following me

around

each

corner

in every

crevice.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

I can’t escape.

It has been so long

since I have seen you

but yet

here it feels like

a yesterday

that I can’t have

anymore.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

Loneliness overwhelms

me

even as I

walk in

a throng

of people

full of chatter

and

laughter

leaving me

silently replaying

a life

long ago

as if it were

a

silent movie

on a big screen.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

How enamored you

were

with

such a

vibrant,

full of life,

attractive

young women

adoringly

loving

you.

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

Only you.

 

I wonder if today

you would

still love me

like you did then?

Would you still

find me

vivacious

and full of life

now when none of that is left?

 

When I think about Chicago

I think of you.

I wonder if our love

would have been

so perfectly imperfect

now when nothing seems right anymore?

 

When I think about Chicago…

I think of you.

I wonder if you would

still look at me

the way you did then?

Would you still want to hold me

like you did before?

Would you still reach for my hand

and

and never let it go

now when my youngness is gone

and my beauty

has faded?

 

When I think of Chicago…

I think of you.

Of our past.

And, of

our future

that never came.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is my deepest hope

It is my deepest hope…

that someday, peace will reign

and violence will

no longer exist

in a world

divide by theology and

ideology.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that an earth full of calamity

will revolve

around a loving

sun

and a

caring moon.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that all those in pain

will see the light

of the bright sunshine

on a

long summer

day

rather than

the darkness

of a pale

cold

moon

on a bitter

winters night.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that once there

was fear

there is now courage

for all those

who cannot find the

words

and the

voice

to speak their

truth.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that one day too

I will find my own

in the dark forest

of which

I have inhabited

in the recesses

of a captive

mind

on a vast planet

in an infinite

cosmos

breathing

one breath

at a time.

 

I wish myself into the future

I wish myself into the future

but then yet

I would have missed the cool

late summer air on my

skin.

 

I wish myself into the future

but then yet

I would have missed her

beautiful smile

and laugh

as she

sat with me.

 

I wish myself into the future

but then yet

I would have missed

the world go by

as I sat

staring silently

into space.

 

I wish myself into the future

but then yet

I would have missed

the bright sunshine caressing

my skin

on a glorious late

August day.

 

I wish myself into the future

but then yet

I would have missed

the couple

walking hand in hand in the

park.

 

I wish myself into the future

but then yet

I would have missed

the early morning sunshine

wake me from

my

sleep.

 

I wish myself in the future

but then yet

I would have missed

the dusk

as it settled in

to close yet

another day.

 

I wish myself into the future

only to forget

the true gifts

exist in the present.