I sink or swim

I sink or I swim.

It is my choice.

 

I can jump in

but yet the question remains

should I?

 

I feel the water suffocating

me

all around

should I sink or swim?

 

I am caught between

the

moment of indecision

of what appears

to be

right or wrong

but yet

do I really

know the

truth.

 

What is right?

Joy or rightness?

Bliss or correctness?

Happiness or moralness?

 

I feel the water

so warm and inviting

but yet

my hands are cold

and numb.

 

I shiver.

 

Deep inside I know

the answer

to what cuts so deep.

 

Yet, I can’t decide.

 

The moment calls

and yet

I am unsure

of whether or not

to jump

into

the unknown depths

or stay

on this safe

shore.

 

While I live on this dividing

line

between

truth and

the fiction

that I tell myself,

I

yearn

and

break

deep inside.

 

I weep.

 

I sink or swim.

It is my choice.

 

9-derwent-water-lake-district-england

Soon, I will be here in the Lakes Region of England.  Will I sink or swim?

 

 

 

What do I want

What do I want you ask?

 

I want to be adored both for my

inner

beauty

and

my

brilliance.

 

I want to be held

during the deep

night

and

never let go

as if

I were a liferaft

drifting on

the open sea.

 

I want to be

looked at

like

I was being

looked at

for the very first time

when I first

caught your eye.

 

I want to be

kissed

like that first night

when you

kissed me

all by

surprise

and I

acquiesced

with a silent

return.

 

I want

someone to

whisper so

softly

how extraordinary I am

to them

and them

alone

night and day

day and night

morning

and

evening.

 

I want to

once more

make love

with abandon

as if it were

like it was

once before

but never

again.

 

I want to

feel like a woman

again,

just

one

more time,

feel

like a

woman.

 

I want to

be released from

the burdens

the pains

the heartache

of this

life.

 

I want once more

to just live again

to be loved again

to be a woman again.

 

You asked me what I want.

What I always had…..until I didn’t have it.
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No more.

No more

do I worry about what you think.

I know that what I think is

more powerful

than what

you say.

 

No more

do I let you use words against me.

For I know that

those words

are meaningless

from the mouth

from which them come

 

No more

do I believe what you say about me.

For what you say about me

is just

your projection

of you

onto me.

 

No more

do I let you touch me.

For when you touched me

it

was full of fury and venom

and

represented

years of

hate

far beyond my lifetime.

 

No more.

No more.

No more.

 

The illusion

of my own

wrongdoing

was cast upon me

like a net

that I take

no more.

 

Inspired by this song…

I feel my own weight

I feel my own weight.

Pressing down on me

holding me in place

to this spot

where I sit and wait.

 

I feel my own weight.

For the first time

like I have never felt it before

sinking me further and further down.

 

I feel my own weight.

Wanting to reach out

and touch you

like I have never touched you before

as you gently hold out your hand.

 

I feel my own weight.

Washing over me

as I see you

and watch you

as you stand near me

like waves coming into the shore.

 

I feel my own weight.

As I have never felt it before

sitting in the silence

feeling your absence

as I have always felt it since

like the first time

since I felt it the last time.

 

I feel my own weight.

I feel my own weight.

I feel my own weight.

 

Where are you?

Where did you go?

Have you left me?

Yet, again?

 

I feel my own weight.

 

What should I fear…

I fear nothing.

In this moment of deep sadness,

there is life a foot

twisting and turning

just as the geese always seem to find their

way home.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of discontent,

there is something growing

in yet barren soil

waiting for the springtime

to announce its birth.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of uncertainty,

there is something so certain

that can’t be denied

just as the west wind will

blow in the chill of winter

to herald the snow.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of despair,

there is something so hopeful,

like the first rays of the sun

after a long stretch of rainy days

summoning  the flowers to spread their

magnificent petals.

 

I fear nothing.

 

For all around me

is everything.

 

 

What I have learned through loneliness

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to cry when the tears beg to fall

to sit in the silence despite wanting more

to resist the urge to call when I long to hear your voice

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to pretend like I am happy when I am really not

to trudge through existence despite wanting to collapse

to  want to reach out but can’t

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to love despite it all even though I hate

to keep going through the darkness even though I can’t see

to scream when no one is there to hear in the deep silence

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

 

I must live when I feel like giving in

I must go on when I can’t take another step

I must endure when I can’t endure any more

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …
life is very lonely

when you are misunderstood

life is very lonely

life is very very lonely

 

Until you arrived.

 

We are Holy ground.

Like a steeled fortress

penetrated by the opposing forces,

my protective distances collapse.

 

Like a sacred temple,

my deep inner longings

and soul

live,

and yet you have entered.

 

Your presence and life have become my ground.

My soul and desires have become your sanctuary.

 

We walk together with great courage

and

with

vulnerability.

 

The armors of protection have collapsed.

We are confidantes

of the soul.

 

No longer fighting,

we have fused,

our battles have ceased.

 

We are Holy ground

in a singular

embrace.