Ancient knowing

Ancient knowing.

Complete understanding.

In a land far away.

Magnificence awaits hidden deep below

By the din of the banal, by the din of the ordinary.

My soul blossoms in the eternity it finds

Surrounding me all around.

Near the ocean, the waves come in

And, I hear uttered close within,

“Alleluia”

In a moment of instant recognition.

Everything that was all knowing,

Appears.

Near the ruins of centuries past, the wind whispers

Softly in my ear, the symphony

Of a hymn sung long past.

Taking away the clothe of my suffering.

The banality of my existence.

Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes,

The divine that lies within stirs.

Ancient knowing.

Complete understanding.

In a land far away.

Self Sabotage​ at its finest…

I was very, very close to giving up or perhaps I should say giving in to my own self-sabotage.

Let me explain.

Jay Peak took a lot of out me.

A lot.

So, I self-combusted.  Started binging. Stopped running.  Wanted to fire my coach.  You know, self-sabotage.

 

I am so glad that I have started to see my own behavioral patterns.  Because this isn’t the first time with this rodeo.

Why do you think I haven’t gotten past the marathon distance?

I was supposed to go to Moab, Utah and run a 50K this past February.  As the date got closer, I ate my heart out and fell apart both physically and mentally.  Came up with tons of excuses too.

So, I am so grateful that I was able to quickly push the pause button.  And, that my coach did his job. He talked me off of the ledge.  Some may say well he is paid to do that.  Sure, but that is what a coach does, right?

So, I got right back into training and eating right.

I worked on Saturday leading a Board retreat in Bridgeport, CT.  So, Sunday I signed up for the Surftown Half Marathon in Westerly, RI.  What a cool race it was.

I aced it with a speedy, crushing (as Coach called it) 2:19 time for a pace somewhere around 10:35 for 13.1 miles.  I was cooking and on fire.  I felt good.  I used a Galloway 5:00 minute run with 1-minute walk segment.

Here the ole girl is proud that she still has the gas in the tank.

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Today, I took the day off from “work” and ran a 5-hour endurance trail run.

Back to back runs on tired feet will hopefully prepare me for 31 miles in two weeks.

The one thing that I contemplated through this all was the power of me.

Yep, me.

I almost threw it all away.

I didn’t want to run a half-marathon and then run 5-hours today.

Heck, who in their right mind wants to do that.  The half-marathon was at half-marathon pace.  An exertion in and of itself.

In fact, during the start of my run today, I thought numerous times of just “calling it” and quitting.

But, I refused to.

I took the run in bite sized time increments.  Half an hour after half an hour got me through.

It is amazing what one is capable of.

Truly, if nothing else, I have pushed myself both physically and mentally to expand.

I may be physically and mentally tired – BUT I AM NOT GIVING UP.

How can I give up less than 2 weeks from race day???

Here I am after just completing my 5-hour trail run.

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The training continues this week, but with no “workouts” just 1 1/2 hours of runs daily.

I am either going to do the 20-mile Newport Galloway run or stay in Vermont (I will be in VT with a client on Thursday and Friday) and run 2.5 hours on the Mt. Ascutney trail system to simulate my upcoming race conditions.  After that, the following week, my runs are nothing more than easy, recovery runs as I taper into the big event.

No official half marathon race photos from Sunday yet but I will be sure to post them when they are released!

Hey, please keep this ole gal focused and leave me a word of encouragement in the comments below…pretty please!?!?

 

 

51 miles. Enough said.

I have come to realize that ultramarathon training is a bit more intense than marathon training.

For me, it has become somewhat of a love-hate relationship.

What do I love?

Running on the trails puts me in touch with nature.  I see and hear things that rarely do I in everyday life.

The training itself puts me in touch with myself.  I want to give up, give in, and just throw in the towel.  But I don’t.  I persevere, I have discipline, and I continue moving forward into doing the things I really think I can’t or don’t want to and then marvel at how far I have pushed myself.

Literally to the brink of exhaustion.

What I am told is that there is a reason.  Back to back runs adjust the body to tired legs.  You must run on spent, drawn, legs for hours.

I guess that is what I pay a coach to do to me!

This weekend, I did a nice 18 mile run in Newport.  It probably was the best run that I had in a while.  That was after already running 1 hour 15 minutes on Friday.

My friend Bill and I got it done together.  The rest of our group stopped at 14.  We kept it moving.

Yep, and I am the one in the center built like a “truck” in black with of course my stylish flower running skirt…  I definitely needed the compression socks on a run this long.  They saved me!

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Today, while I didn’t think I could do it, I did. I ran five hours on the trails at the Blue Hills with no one else’s company except my own breath, heartbeat, and inner thoughts.

Minute by minute – hour by hour, I got it down.  There were points I had to stop.  I have low blood pressure so there were points that I felt dizzy. I stopped munched on a chew, rested, and then got right back at it.

Overall, I hit 50 miles this week.  51.3 to be exact.  And, I am at 932.78 miles for the year.  Almost at the 1,000-mile mark.  Almost.

I am gearing up for another “grind-it out” week.  I have a 22-mile trail race on Sunday.  You would think that with a race, my workouts would diminish, but this race is more of a “training run.”

So, again, my coach has me hitting back to back runs with one planned on Saturday, the race on Sunday, and then another run on Monday.

Then it repeats all over again the following week.  Another 18 mile Saturday run with another 5 hour-trail run on Sunday.

I am praying to just have the mental stamina to get through the next few weeks.

I must remember that when it comes to ultrarunning – it is all mental.

Say a prayer for next Sunday…

Jay Peak is one of the toughest trail runs in the country.

Here is what is said, Finish and become a member of the elite crowd known as “Jay Peak Trail Race Finishers”…aka “one of the toughest runners in the country.”

Walk or run, if you complete this race, you will forever view other trail races as “cute”.

Here is an elevation map (yep almost 7,000 ft in 22 miles):

elevation-map.png

Here I am resting and then giving the “I am finally done THUMBS UP!”

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SaveSave

I click like

I click like.

I scroll by your life

silently observing

the faux

creation of what you want me to see.

 

I click like.

I accept your request

another photo

to add to my

1,000 or more I have

already collected.

 

I click like.

I click like.

I click like.

 

You can’t hurt me.

You can’t abandon me.

I don’t give you my authenticity

and allow you to see me

the real me.

 

I don’t bare my soul

to you.

You can’t reject me.

Faux intimacy.

 

I stay in a shallow swamp

of instant gratification.

Never allowing connection

to my

deep, dark soul.

 

You can’t hurt me when,

you can’t let me down.

I click like.

The deep blue sky

Stillness and then everything ceases.

The clouds break and above appears

blue, crystalline sky.

 

I toss all that is swirling into the clouds

as they slowly escape

taking my hopes and dreams

taking my thoughts and feelings

taking you with them.

 

You struggle to stop it and I see a cloud

rise above.

I push, I push, I push

it away

into the deep blue sky above.

 

Down floats a feather from the blue,

blue sky.

All that remains of what I let go of.

What I let be taken away.

 

It floats and floats gently down

until it

settles near my feet,

softly landing  into stillness,

reminding me of divinity and union lost.

Reminding me of you.

 

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Lake Winnisquam – touching the three lovely NH towns of Belmont, Sanbornton, and Tilton.  A new, beautiful place that I am coming to love each week more and more.

 

 

 

 

 

Sat Nam.

Sat Nam.

Inside of me.

 

Sat Nam.

Shining through the illusion of self.

 

Sat Nam.

The true identity.

 

Sat Nam.

The only existence that matters.

 

Sat Nam.

The divinity that lies within.

 

Truth is my identity.

The essence of all that is

like a mirror shining on the cosmos.

 

Divinity rests inside

to be discovered like

a seed as it grows.

 

Sat Nam.

Awaken my soul.

 

You, yes, you.

You, yes, you.

You stopped me in my tracks tonight, yes, you.

I walked outside, and you were ever so near

yet hidden in the dark underbrush.

 

I was in a foreign land, far from home.

You startled me with your chorus.

 

I stared off into the blackness, you caught my attention.

Who were you all?

Singing as if you were a grand symphony

all in unison and somehow not, but it all seemed right.

 

I, busy with work, preoccupied with all I had to get done.

You caused me to pause for one brief, fleeting moment

in admiration of your brilliance.

 

Yes, you.

You stopped me in my tracks.

Perhaps hundreds of you.  Maybe even thousands.

Who knows?

 

Tree frogs and insects and other magnificent creatures

I could not name.

For one minute, I ceased all my thinking

as you serenaded me in delight.

 

Whom am I?

I thought.

I am nothing compared to the mysterious livings

of a world outside my grasp.

Magnificent, living creatures

far more than I

 

You, yes, you.

I can still hear you from my window.

You who know more about existing than I.

Shush, let me listen.