I feel my own weight

I feel my own weight.

Pressing down on me

holding me in place

to this spot

where I sit and wait.

 

I feel my own weight.

For the first time

like I have never felt it before

sinking me further and further down.

 

I feel my own weight.

Wanting to reach out

and touch you

like I have never touched you before

as you gently hold out your hand.

 

I feel my own weight.

Washing over me

as I see you

and watch you

as you stand near me

like waves coming into the shore.

 

I feel my own weight.

As I have never felt it before

sitting in the silence

feeling your absence

as I have always felt it since

like the first time

since I felt it the last time.

 

I feel my own weight.

I feel my own weight.

I feel my own weight.

 

Where are you?

Where did you go?

Have you left me?

Yet, again?

 

I feel my own weight.

 

I am still here

I am still here.

Right where you left me.

After being broken and battered

through life’s slings and toils

just waiting.

 

I am still here.

Over here

in the corner

whence you forget about me

when everyone else

too turned their back

on me.

 

I am still here.

By the stairs

readying to walk upwards

out of the darkness

into the light

as my chains and shackles

holding me down

have been unlocked.

 

I am still here.

I am still here.

 

You are amazed.

 

You did not kill me

nor did you torment me into silence.

I still live and breathe

the stifled air of a life

so harshly dealt.

 

I am still here.

I am still here.

 

Right where you left me.

 

Lucky to have been dealt your blow.

So swift and furious

like a bull charging at its

matador.

 

I am still here.

Because you cursed me

I now live

I now know

what the rest of them know not

about complexity and challenge.

 

I am still here.

I survived.

I am a survivor.

 

 

What should I fear…

I fear nothing.

In this moment of deep sadness,

there is life a foot

twisting and turning

just as the geese always seem to find their

way home.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of discontent,

there is something growing

in yet barren soil

waiting for the springtime

to announce its birth.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of uncertainty,

there is something so certain

that can’t be denied

just as the west wind will

blow in the chill of winter

to herald the snow.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of despair,

there is something so hopeful,

like the first rays of the sun

after a long stretch of rainy days

summoning  the flowers to spread their

magnificent petals.

 

I fear nothing.

 

For all around me

is everything.

 

 

Forget about hope

Forget about hope.

That just does not exist.

 

Live today.  Live now.

Call her

Call him

Tell her

Tell him

 

Today is all that is here.

Not tomorrow.

Not yesterday.

 

While living under false impressions

It can all be pulled out from under you

like a scatter rug.

 

Forget about hope.

Live today. Live now.

Do it

Don’t wait

Don’t question

Don’t stop.

 

Today is all that is here.

Not tomorrow.

Not yesterday.

 

I can’t tell you what will happen tomorrow

in the tea leaves of today.

 

This could be our last kiss

it could be our first.

 

It could be our first I love you

or it could be our last.

 

Forget about hope.

Live today. Live now.

Do what must not wait

Do what must

Don’t overthink

Don’t think at all

 

Today is all that is here.

Not tomorrow.

Not yesterday.

 

Don’t hope for a better tomorrow

with him

with her

with them

 

Tomorrow is today.

Yesterday is now.

 

Don’t let it linger

on your lips

all that you meant

to say.

 

Forget about hope.

That just does not exist.

 

There is nothing beyond now.

Who knows?

 

I wished I hadn’t waited until tomorrow.  I would have said I loved you one last time. I would have held him deep in my arms. I would have kissed him with my heart full of passion.  I would have told him what he meant to me…I would have, I would have…. 

You must.

 

 

In a dark time

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by dreams that lull me into a soft sleep

forgetting all of the ills of a disconcerting

world.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by your touch

every so gently as you reach

to grasp my hand

drowning in your own

sadness.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the call of my name

like an owl in the middle of the night

seeking its prey

while all the night creatures

scuttle about.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the silent tears

of all those around me

who go about their

days unnoticed

not mattering.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the glance you give me

across the table

knowing that it holds

the ancient pains

of a soul lost in a distant

time.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by my own pain and sorrow

held deep within

seeking an exit

to heal a vast humanity.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the pain and strife

of a hurting world

who knows only division

while rhetorically speaking of its

wholeness.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished.

 

You are my hope.

You nourish me.

Take my hand.

Don’t let it go.

 

You nourish me.

The mystery that exists

The mystery of what is

and yet what is not.

It doesn’t call to be known,

it only calls to be recognized.

Do you not feel it?

 

That mystery that exists

deep within you and I.

 

The mystery of what is

and yet what is not.

Begs to be heard through the

tears

that stain my face

that you silently wipe away.

It doesn’t call to be known,

it only calls to be recognized.

Do you not see it?

 

That mystery that exists

deep within you and I.

 

The mystery of what is

and yet what is not.

Waits to emerge

from its dark recesses

when we least expect

its’ birth.

It doesn’t call to be known,

it only calls to be recognized.

Do you not sense that.

 

That mystery that exists

deep within you and I.

 

The mystery of what is

and yet what is not.

Silently longing for a world

that is not yours

to have

but only to imagine.

It doesn’t call to be known,

it only calls to be recognized.

Do you not know that?

 

That mystery that exists

deep within you and I.

 

The mystery of what is

and yet what is not.

It comes and it goes

amongst us

sometimes like a tide gently ebbing

and sometimes

like a current stopping

everything in its flow.

It doesn’t call to be known,

it only calls to be recognized.

Do you not want that?

 

That mystery that exists

deep within you and I.

 

 

What I have learned through loneliness

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to cry when the tears beg to fall

to sit in the silence despite wanting more

to resist the urge to call when I long to hear your voice

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to pretend like I am happy when I am really not

to trudge through existence despite wanting to collapse

to  want to reach out but can’t

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to love despite it all even though I hate

to keep going through the darkness even though I can’t see

to scream when no one is there to hear in the deep silence

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

 

I must live when I feel like giving in

I must go on when I can’t take another step

I must endure when I can’t endure any more

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …
life is very lonely

when you are misunderstood

life is very lonely

life is very very lonely

 

Until you arrived.