What do I want

What do I want you ask?

 

I want to be adored both for my

inner

beauty

and

my

brilliance.

 

I want to be held

during the deep

night

and

never let go

as if

I were a liferaft

drifting on

the open sea.

 

I want to be

looked at

like

I was being

looked at

for the very first time

when I first

caught your eye.

 

I want to be

kissed

like that first night

when you

kissed me

all by

surprise

and I

acquiesced

with a silent

return.

 

I want

someone to

whisper so

softly

how extraordinary I am

to them

and them

alone

night and day

day and night

morning

and

evening.

 

I want to

once more

make love

with abandon

as if it were

like it was

once before

but never

again.

 

I want to

feel like a woman

again,

just

one

more time,

feel

like a

woman.

 

I want to

be released from

the burdens

the pains

the heartache

of this

life.

 

I want once more

to just live again

to be loved again

to be a woman again.

 

You asked me what I want.

What I always had…..until I didn’t have it.
20462_298541517479_6912788_n188708_10150124315657480_7304399_n20462_298516887479_7165859_n

 

 

I come to you

I come to you…

with open

hands full

of gifts for you,

gifts from a

wounded soul.

 

I come to you…

from a time past

feeling

an ancient circle

close

amongst us

as we draw

nearer

together

like two

dancers

barely touching.

 

I come to you…

with wounded gifts

full of healing

full of hope

full of love

from a

soul

full of compassion

and

longing.

 

I come to you…

shining my light

illuminating those darkest of

dark

places

that have never seen the light

like unearthing a

golden goblet

at an archeological

dig from

long past.

 

I come to you…

taking your hand in mind

and watch

you open up like

the blossoms of flowers in

the bright sunshine

giving yourself

to my light,

so

desperately

giving yourself

to my light.

 

I come to you…

I touch your wound

and

bring you deeper

into my enfold

holding you

close to my heart

softly

slowly

healing your hurts.

 

I come to you…

with no answers for what is felt

deep

inside,

no reason

to explain

for it is

kept

deep

deep

down in our

sacred

places.

 

I come to you…

not knowing who we are

only listening to the

depths

within

as I

tenderly

bear the gifts

of

a

wounded soul

offering

healing

hope

love.

 

And, you take them.

Whispering

an

unspoken

prayer.

 

 

A self that you see.

I have but more than one self.

I have a self that you see

when you look

at me

in the early morning light

before the world awakes.

 

I have a self that you see

that is tired and

worn from the daily

tragedies that

we call life.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am alone

in my

solitude

with no

one but me

to judge and allow.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am charged

with excitement

and electricity

from

just

being

in your presence.

 

I have a self that you see

when I reach

over and

touch

your hand

and hold
it

softly

within mine.

 

I have a self that is not singular.

It is plural.

 

There are many selves that

live within me

that breathe inside of me

that wait to be born.

 

I have a self that is plural.

Wake up.

Wake up.

 

Wake up.

To a world that is

crumbling all around

us

in untruths

and manipulation

in the name

of

power

and greed

and fame.

 

Wake up.

To an earth that

is crying out

in

injustice

to the hurt

that it

ensures

everywhere

and in

everyplace.

 

Wake up.

To the hate and divisions

that exist

because of

deeply-rooted

beliefs

that fester

under the wounds

left

scabbed over.

 

Wake up.

To what is beautiful

all around

that goes

unnoticed as we

silently walk by

in our hurried

rush.

 

Wake up.

To the ancient call

that we fail to hear

that

cries out from

deep inside

of a well

that reaches

all the

way to the soul.

 

Wake up.

We are hurting.

 

Wake up.

We are harming.

 

Wake up.

We are dying.

 

Wake up.

It is my deepest hope

It is my deepest hope…

that someday, peace will reign

and violence will

no longer exist

in a world

divide by theology and

ideology.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that an earth full of calamity

will revolve

around a loving

sun

and a

caring moon.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that all those in pain

will see the light

of the bright sunshine

on a

long summer

day

rather than

the darkness

of a pale

cold

moon

on a bitter

winters night.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that once there

was fear

there is now courage

for all those

who cannot find the

words

and the

voice

to speak their

truth.

 

It is my deepest hope…

that one day too

I will find my own

in the dark forest

of which

I have inhabited

in the recesses

of a captive

mind

on a vast planet

in an infinite

cosmos

breathing

one breath

at a time.

 

What should I fear…

I fear nothing.

In this moment of deep sadness,

there is life a foot

twisting and turning

just as the geese always seem to find their

way home.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of discontent,

there is something growing

in yet barren soil

waiting for the springtime

to announce its birth.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of uncertainty,

there is something so certain

that can’t be denied

just as the west wind will

blow in the chill of winter

to herald the snow.

 

I fear nothing.

In this moment of despair,

there is something so hopeful,

like the first rays of the sun

after a long stretch of rainy days

summoning  the flowers to spread their

magnificent petals.

 

I fear nothing.

 

For all around me

is everything.

 

 

Forget about hope

Forget about hope.

That just does not exist.

 

Live today.  Live now.

Call her

Call him

Tell her

Tell him

 

Today is all that is here.

Not tomorrow.

Not yesterday.

 

While living under false impressions

It can all be pulled out from under you

like a scatter rug.

 

Forget about hope.

Live today. Live now.

Do it

Don’t wait

Don’t question

Don’t stop.

 

Today is all that is here.

Not tomorrow.

Not yesterday.

 

I can’t tell you what will happen tomorrow

in the tea leaves of today.

 

This could be our last kiss

it could be our first.

 

It could be our first I love you

or it could be our last.

 

Forget about hope.

Live today. Live now.

Do what must not wait

Do what must

Don’t overthink

Don’t think at all

 

Today is all that is here.

Not tomorrow.

Not yesterday.

 

Don’t hope for a better tomorrow

with him

with her

with them

 

Tomorrow is today.

Yesterday is now.

 

Don’t let it linger

on your lips

all that you meant

to say.

 

Forget about hope.

That just does not exist.

 

There is nothing beyond now.

Who knows?

 

I wished I hadn’t waited until tomorrow.  I would have said I loved you one last time. I would have held him deep in my arms. I would have kissed him with my heart full of passion.  I would have told him what he meant to me…I would have, I would have…. 

You must.

 

 

In a dark time

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by dreams that lull me into a soft sleep

forgetting all of the ills of a disconcerting

world.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by your touch

every so gently as you reach

to grasp my hand

drowning in your own

sadness.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the call of my name

like an owl in the middle of the night

seeking its prey

while all the night creatures

scuttle about.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the silent tears

of all those around me

who go about their

days unnoticed

not mattering.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the glance you give me

across the table

knowing that it holds

the ancient pains

of a soul lost in a distant

time.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by my own pain and sorrow

held deep within

seeking an exit

to heal a vast humanity.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished

by the pain and strife

of a hurting world

who knows only division

while rhetorically speaking of its

wholeness.

 

In a dark time, my heart is nourished.

 

You are my hope.

You nourish me.

Take my hand.

Don’t let it go.

 

You nourish me.

O Israel, O Israel

Along the sea of Galilee,

my eyes scan the horizon.

My heart beats anew.

 

I stare out in absolute wonder and amazement.

The rain softly falls on me.

Caressing my age.

 

I am here.

I have arrived.

I am home.

 

Home to belief, forgiveness, and possibility.

I am home.

 

O Israel, O Israel.

 

Along the sea of Galilee,

I feel deep inside.

a peace that settles in my life.

It envelopes me in its embrace.

 

I am here.

I have arrived.

I am home.

 

Home to the next chapter, a new life, more possibilities.

I am home.

 

O Israel, O Israel.

 

Along the sea of Galilee,

I stare off into the distance.

Imagining the miracles of a prophet

long ago.

 

And, witnessing the miracle of my own

transformation

today.

 

I am here.

I have arrived.

I am home.

 

Home to miracles of transformation and transfiguration.

How I long for you,

like a lover longs to be loved.

 

Along the sea of Galilee,

I stare off into the distance.

I no longer am who I once was.

Nor who I once was is who I am.

 

O Israel, O Israel.

 

I shall never be the same.

 

The Sea of Galilee from Tiberias – January 2018

IMG_1988IMG_3851

 

30124618_10156289915812480_7073976647371718656_n

I remember…

I remember.

I remember that day.

So vividly as if it were yesterday.

Seared on my soul, like a wild brush fire.

 

I remember.

Exactly what happened step-by-step.

Moment by moment.

As if those moments were only yesterday.

 

I remember.

The unbelief.

The shock.

The darkness.

 

I remember not knowing what to do.

 

Shaking and trembling.

 

I remember.

The tears, the screams.

The cars sitting in traffic.

Waiting for their turn at the lights

all the while, I felt like my life had just ended.

 

I was in distress, my ship was sinking

I was drowning

but yet no one heard my mayday call.

 

I remember.

It was the end of a dream.

It was the end of my life.

It would change the very meaning of who I was.

 

I remember begging and pleading with God.

Saying, “No” this can’t be true, this can’t be possible.

How could this be happening.

Please say this is NOT happening.

 

I remember…

in one brief moment,

 

There went my hopes and my dreams.

There went all I had ever wanted in this life.

And all for no reason. All without cause. All without sense.

And in its place, nothingness.

 

I remember that I could not see beyond,

to what today might hold.

That in that pain, something more and greater would arise.

Something more beautiful than had been there before.

 

I remember death that day.

But, today, I see new beginnings.

A new life.

 

I remember feeling resentful, angry, and intensely lonely.

I remember those feelings.

Feelings as if they were just felt a moment before.

 

Until now, here I stand, having lived through each moment,

since that moment,

standing before you with grace and fully alive.

 

Emerging from the dark side of the soul.

 

Now, I know…

I have become what I have meant to be in this world

because of this moment.