Down, down, down…

Down, down, down.

Deeper I go.

The ascent up was meaningless.

 

A job making six figures.

Traveling all over the country.

Money to use lavishly.

Look at me and my title.

 

Never enough.

 

Down, down, down.

Deeper I go.

The ascent down is full of meaning.

 

Freefalling.

In deep confusion

at times in desperate despair.

 

Clinging to an illusionary existence.

 

What am I really here for?

What am I suppose to be doing?

 

I shed myself of false pretenses

trying to live into an authenticity that is all mine.

Only trying to do good

while getting things done.

 

Down, down, down.

Deeper I go.

I am finding myself in the freefall.

In the descent down.

 

Until I finally hit bottom.

And, I have arrived.

 

As a human, I’m just a tiny moment of consciousness, a tiny part of creation, a particle that reflects only a fragment of God’s love and beauty. And yet that’s enough. And then we return to where we started—in the heart of God. Everything in between is a school of love.  – Richard Rohr

 

 

In the darkness

Where are you in the darkness?

I am vulnerable.

I am foolish.

I am weak.

I am despised.

 

Where are you in the darkness?

You see my wounds.

You see my hurting.

You see my agony.

You see my angst.

 

Where are you in the darkness?

I want to see the light.

I want to feel the light.

I want to be the light.

I want to spread the light.

 

Where are you in the darkness?

I wait.

Who were you?

Cold sweats in the middle of the night.

Waking stuffing food in my face.

 

Who were you?

 

A violent crime unreported.

Twenty odd years ago.

You plumaged my soul.

 

Who were you?

You threatened me.

You left me to fight.

You took all of me.

 

Who were you?

I let no one in close.

I keep everyone at arm’s length.

They reach out, I recoil.

My heart is frozen.

 

Who were you?

 

On that night.

My soul closed.

It took me away with it.

I recall only odd fragments.

Only what my soul allows.

A blessing.

 

Who were you?

You thief?

The greatest robber of them all.

 

Shame, guilt, embarrassment.

Who were you?

 

You stole my innocence and my belonging to the heart.

Tears roll down my face.

I shake even now.

 

As I shove food in my mouth.

To close my soul once again.

To hide you deep inside.

A violent crime left unreported.

 

Who were you?

 

I have been lost.

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

Lost in a world who doesn’t see my pain.

 

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

Lost from a future no longer.

 

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

Lost in the sad gravity of life.

 

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

 

Then my soul is found.

My heart once crippled transforms

into ballet dancers

dancing

under the gaze and in the embrace

of belonging.

 

I have been lost.

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

Lost in a world who doesn’t see my pain.

 

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

Lost from a future no longer.

 

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

Lost in the sad gravity of life.

 

I have been lost.

Lost for many years.

 

Then my soul is found.

My heart once crippled transforms

into ballet dancers

dancing

under the gaze and in the embrace

of belonging.

 

Divinity​ awaits you

 

The one moment of error is to act as if

science is the language of the soul.

As if life depended upon the logical seen with no

witness to all that stirs within unknown.

 

To feel as if life had boundaries that existed

that could be defined or observed.

Surely, even you, have felt something beyond;

the ephemeral, the stirrings, and the song of the heart,

crowding out all that is known; the illusions of a world.

 

Facts are the modes of knowing but only poets

pierce deeply into the soul.  Boundaries do not exist in a

rebels voice. A voice from the dark night of the soul offering

redemption.

 

The soul is your mentor of things to come,

possibilities unknown.

The door has always been there to frighten you and invite you,

through the doorway of divinity

that has always been open and waiting for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your gaze meets mine

Your gaze meets mine.

I return that gaze,

enveloping all that I see.

I see me reflected back.

All the wounds, the hurts,

and my failures.

 

Your gaze meets mine.

I return that gaze,

and I feel inside

a stirring

like the soft

summer breeze in a field of

goldenrod readying itself

for early fall blossoms.

 

Your gaze meets mine.

I return that gaze,

and I feel your touch

before you even touch me

softly caressing the folds of my face

gently holding the pain and suffering

in the cup of your hand.

Gently, ever so gently.

 

Your gaze meets mine.

I return that gaze,

and I know that I have entered into

a presence

that is the very

gaze of God.

Holy, sacred, divine.

God within.

 

Your gaze meets mine.

I return that gaze,

seeing divinity in the mystery

that shrouds

all that is and

all that is to become

as we grow into the knowledge of

the sacred union.

 

Divinity found in the gaze of God.

 

Alleluia!

Alleluia!

Alleluia!

 

My soul aches to read more of John O’Donohue. I eagerly await my time in the west of Ireland as a pilgrimage of my soul.  It is a soul longing and stirring to visit the land of Celtic Spirituality.