What do I want

What do I want you ask?

 

I want to be adored both for my

inner

beauty

and

my

brilliance.

 

I want to be held

during the deep

night

and

never let go

as if

I were a liferaft

drifting on

the open sea.

 

I want to be

looked at

like

I was being

looked at

for the very first time

when I first

caught your eye.

 

I want to be

kissed

like that first night

when you

kissed me

all by

surprise

and I

acquiesced

with a silent

return.

 

I want

someone to

whisper so

softly

how extraordinary I am

to them

and them

alone

night and day

day and night

morning

and

evening.

 

I want to

once more

make love

with abandon

as if it were

like it was

once before

but never

again.

 

I want to

feel like a woman

again,

just

one

more time,

feel

like a

woman.

 

I want to

be released from

the burdens

the pains

the heartache

of this

life.

 

I want once more

to just live again

to be loved again

to be a woman again.

 

You asked me what I want.

What I always had…..until I didn’t have it.
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I come to you

I come to you…

with open

hands full

of gifts for you,

gifts from a

wounded soul.

 

I come to you…

from a time past

feeling

an ancient circle

close

amongst us

as we draw

nearer

together

like two

dancers

barely touching.

 

I come to you…

with wounded gifts

full of healing

full of hope

full of love

from a

soul

full of compassion

and

longing.

 

I come to you…

shining my light

illuminating those darkest of

dark

places

that have never seen the light

like unearthing a

golden goblet

at an archeological

dig from

long past.

 

I come to you…

taking your hand in mind

and watch

you open up like

the blossoms of flowers in

the bright sunshine

giving yourself

to my light,

so

desperately

giving yourself

to my light.

 

I come to you…

I touch your wound

and

bring you deeper

into my enfold

holding you

close to my heart

softly

slowly

healing your hurts.

 

I come to you…

with no answers for what is felt

deep

inside,

no reason

to explain

for it is

kept

deep

deep

down in our

sacred

places.

 

I come to you…

not knowing who we are

only listening to the

depths

within

as I

tenderly

bear the gifts

of

a

wounded soul

offering

healing

hope

love.

 

And, you take them.

Whispering

an

unspoken

prayer.

 

 

A self that you see.

I have but more than one self.

I have a self that you see

when you look

at me

in the early morning light

before the world awakes.

 

I have a self that you see

that is tired and

worn from the daily

tragedies that

we call life.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am alone

in my

solitude

with no

one but me

to judge and allow.

 

I have a self that you see

when I am charged

with excitement

and electricity

from

just

being

in your presence.

 

I have a self that you see

when I reach

over and

touch

your hand

and hold
it

softly

within mine.

 

I have a self that is not singular.

It is plural.

 

There are many selves that

live within me

that breathe inside of me

that wait to be born.

 

I have a self that is plural.

Before I die

Before I die, I

want to live

finally

like I lived before

it all.

 

Before I die,

I want to forget about

all the hurt

and sorrow and sadness

and every ounce

of pain

that robbed my soul.

 

Before I die,

I want to be released

from the prison

in which I have

kept myself lonely

and captive in.

 

Before I die,

I want to love

like I loved

just that once

for all eternity

until I cannot love

anymore.

 

Before I die,

I want to remember

all that was

good in the midst

of all that was

so very, very

bad

and all that was

bad

in the midst

of all that was

so very, very good.

 

Before I die,

I want to live

once more

like I lived

before I died.

I feel my own weight

I feel my own weight.

Pressing down on me

holding me in place

to this spot

where I sit and wait.

 

I feel my own weight.

For the first time

like I have never felt it before

sinking me further and further down.

 

I feel my own weight.

Wanting to reach out

and touch you

like I have never touched you before

as you gently hold out your hand.

 

I feel my own weight.

Washing over me

as I see you

and watch you

as you stand near me

like waves coming into the shore.

 

I feel my own weight.

As I have never felt it before

sitting in the silence

feeling your absence

as I have always felt it since

like the first time

since I felt it the last time.

 

I feel my own weight.

I feel my own weight.

I feel my own weight.

 

Where are you?

Where did you go?

Have you left me?

Yet, again?

 

I feel my own weight.

 

I am still here

I am still here.

Right where you left me.

After being broken and battered

through life’s slings and toils

just waiting.

 

I am still here.

Over here

in the corner

whence you forget about me

when everyone else

too turned their back

on me.

 

I am still here.

By the stairs

readying to walk upwards

out of the darkness

into the light

as my chains and shackles

holding me down

have been unlocked.

 

I am still here.

I am still here.

 

You are amazed.

 

You did not kill me

nor did you torment me into silence.

I still live and breathe

the stifled air of a life

so harshly dealt.

 

I am still here.

I am still here.

 

Right where you left me.

 

Lucky to have been dealt your blow.

So swift and furious

like a bull charging at its

matador.

 

I am still here.

Because you cursed me

I now live

I now know

what the rest of them know not

about complexity and challenge.

 

I am still here.

I survived.

I am a survivor.

 

 

What I have learned through loneliness

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to cry when the tears beg to fall

to sit in the silence despite wanting more

to resist the urge to call when I long to hear your voice

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to pretend like I am happy when I am really not

to trudge through existence despite wanting to collapse

to  want to reach out but can’t

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

to love despite it all even though I hate

to keep going through the darkness even though I can’t see

to scream when no one is there to hear in the deep silence

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …

 

I must live when I feel like giving in

I must go on when I can’t take another step

I must endure when I can’t endure any more

 

What I have learned through loneliness is …
life is very lonely

when you are misunderstood

life is very lonely

life is very very lonely

 

Until you arrived.