The end of innocence

“In the wounds there is salvation”

What a theme to think about and contemplate.

My innocence in life did not last long.  In fact, it lasted but all of three years.  As a young child, I can remember my mother saying to my brother and I to get out of the house and go outside.  What happened next has stayed with me a lifetime.

It all began because my mom complained that she was not included in the Travers family photo.  And that simple complaint, led to a beating full of blood and screams that as a young child pierced my soul.

What should have been a childhood full of ice cream sundaes and root beer floats, pony boys and beaches, was abruptly pierced with the sad reality of  adulthood.  A wound that till this day haunts me.

Or what about the lack of a father in my life as he tried to avoid the home life he was not happy in or the child he did not want.

How have these wounds shaped my life?

For good and for bad.

Love is hard earned with me and rightly so.  And, I am very skeptical and disbelieve intents, rightly so.  Love has always been conditional.

Never truly having a father’s acceptance and physical presence and love, I have spent the majority of my life fearing abandonment and working to earn that love.

On the flip side, it also taught me not to trust everyone and to not tolerate that sort of behavior in my life.

Those moments pierced my soul and taught me some important life lessons in the school of hard knocks.

While we can moan and complain, we can also celebrate the lessons it teaches us.

We are all beautiful in our woundedness.  But, “we focus on that woundedness and fail to see the beautifulness.”

Lately, I have been seeing the beautifulness.  Just last night, I unearthed home videos of myself from the age of 19.  I wondered in marvelment at how happy-go-lucky and easy going I appeared to be.  Objectively, why would I not like a person like that?

I was stick-thin and lanky.

Tonight, I looked long and hard at my body and marveled in its curves and fullness.  A true sign of femininity.  I have grown from a “tom boy” to a beautiful and intriguing women.  For the first time in a very long time, I celebrated my curves and embraced my fullness.

I am beautiful.  I am.

Today, I know that spending time with myself and getting to know me on a truly intimate level has always been and is very healthy and intuitive.

In spending time with me and coming to learn about where my feelings and thoughts and fears come from, I love me more and more.

And, I am most grateful for the unconditional love I found in my relationship with Paul.  I thank God for sending him to me, for Dennis in showing me in his brief time with me that I was indeed worthy of being loved and what true love is, and for all the bad experiences near and far that have tempered me for this one moment.

Paul has opened up more and more with his feelings for me and in doing so has allowed me to trust in a way that I truly have not had in a very long time.  The beauty of our relationship in good times and bad (hardly none!) is breathtaking.  This relationship in its love has shown me a sense of freedom I barely thought was possible and never thought I would encounter.  I await  longingly until we are together and united. simply as one.

Life is amazing in both is torment and in its joy.  We are who we are from all the experiences that have come before.  But those do not define who we are today and the choices we make.  For those that deny or forget about their past, it is only a diservice and folly that they are doing to themselves.  For they are not allowing themselves to truly feel life with all of its fullness and passion.

I am embracing my human frailty and my imperfection and in doing so I am coming to love myself more fully and in turn have greater and greater love to give to others.

I thank God for my first 40 years and longingly look forward to the promise of the next.

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