Today is hard.  No, scratch that, extremely difficult.

Perhaps, I should just speak to God, right here and right now.

Knock, knock…God are you home?

Listen, today would have been my husband and I’s 7 year wedding anniversary.  Why did he kill himself?  Wasn’t I enough?  Why did I only have one wedding anniversary?

God, are you there?

And another thing… I picked this date to get married because you know, it was my grandparents wedding anniversary and this year they would have been wedded 69 years.

God, why did she fall down and hit her head and die this past March?  Why didn’t I really get to say goodbye? Why does my grandfather have to suffer?

God, my vacation ends tonight.  After a week and a half and an awesome road trip on my motorcycle for over 1,200 miles of memories with Paul…why does it have to come to an end?  How am I going to go back to spending days without him by myself?

God, life sucks!

One thing I know for sure…I have been hovering near a binge all day. But, I call upon you, now in my time of need to see me through it.  One thing I keep hearing over and over again, it won’t take away the pain.

Day #19 of abstinence and grateful…

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